By Rick Saruna, Founder and Clinical Director, Body & Mind Natural Health, Windsor, Ontario
Most people who search for anger management in Windsor are not “angry people.” They are good people who keep reacting in ways they regret: snapping at a partner, losing it with the kids, blowing up at work, then feeling guilty for days. They have usually tried to just control it. Counting to ten, walking away, breathing. Those tools help in the moment, but the anger keeps coming back.
After more than 30 years and over 36,000 sessions, here is what I have learned: anger is rarely the real problem. It is the alarm, not the fire.
Why anger keeps coming back
Anger is a protective emotion. It shows up fast when part of you feels threatened, disrespected, unheard or powerless. The trigger in front of you (a comment, a tone, a delay) is usually small. The reaction is big because it is attached to something older: a hurt, a fear or a pattern you learned long before the current situation.
“When a reaction does not fit the situation, it’s not about the situation. It’s about the emotional accumulation in a person’s lifetime.”
— Rick Saruna
That is why willpower alone does not hold. You can manage the reaction for a while, but the emotional charge underneath is still there. When you are tired, stressed or caught off guard, it breaks through again.
What usually sits underneath anger
- Old hurt that was never resolved: being criticized, dismissed or let down, often in childhood or a past relationship.
- Fear and anxiety: anger can feel safer than feeling scared or out of control.
- Constant stress: when your system is already overloaded, there is no room left for patience.
- Feeling unheard: in couples especially, anger often means “you are not listening to me.”
- Habits of thinking: an inner voice that assumes the worst (“they did that on purpose”) keeps fuel on the fire.
A typical example
A man in his forties came in because he kept “losing it” with his teenage son. He had read the books and knew the techniques, yet every time his son rolled his eyes, he exploded. As we talked, his body told the story before his words did: his jaw tightened and his hands closed whenever he mentioned being dismissed. That feeling went back to his own father, who never listened. The eye-roll wasn’t really the trigger; being dismissed was. Once we released the charge on that old hurt, the same eye-roll lost its power. He still noticed it, but he could answer it calmly.
(Details are changed and combined from many clients to protect privacy. This is a typical example, not one person.)
Four myths about anger
- “Letting it out is healthy.” Venting by yelling or hitting a pillow often rehearses the anger and makes it stronger. Releasing the charge underneath is different from acting it out.
- “Some people are just born angry.” Temperament plays a part, but most explosive anger is learned and attached to experiences, which means it can change.
- “If I stay calm, I’m letting people walk on me.” Calm is not weak. Calm is when you are most able to say clearly what you need.
- “Anger management is only for people who are violent.” Most people we see have never hurt anyone. They just don’t like who they become when they’re angry.
Managing anger vs. resolving it
Traditional anger management teaches coping skills: count to ten, walk away, breathe. At Body & Mind we do something different. We go looking for where the anger started, and we remove the emotional charge there.
“We don’t teach coping skills. Why would we teach you to accept what you don’t like? Instead we identify the issue and remove the emotional charge.”
— Rick Saruna
In a session I listen to more than your words. Tone, pauses, hesitation, body language and what your body does when certain topics come up all tell me where the real charge is. Most people are surprised by how quickly the root shows itself when someone is truly paying attention.
How we help at Body & Mind
Saruna’s Rapid Emotional Release and Empowerment is the process I developed to release the emotional charge behind a reaction without having to relive every detail of the past. When the charge is gone, the trigger that used to set you off often just does not land the same way.
Thought Shifting works on the thinking that keeps anger going: the words you use, the environment around you and the inner voice that jumps to conclusions. It is a separate process, and it is the subject of my book Thought Shifting.
Where it helps, we also use clinical hypnosis to rehearse staying calm in the situations that used to trigger you.
Sessions are never rushed. A full hour, often more, so we can actually get to the root rather than run out the clock.
Signs it is time to get help
- People close to you are walking on eggshells.
- You regret what you said or did more than once a week.
- Your anger is affecting your relationship, your children or your job.
- Small things set you off and the reaction does not match the situation.
- You have tried to control it on your own and it keeps coming back.
Quick self-check
Answer yes or no: In the last month, have you said something in anger you later regretted? Has anyone told you they feel they have to “tiptoe” around you? Do you replay arguments for hours afterward? Do you feel tension in your body most days? If you answered yes to two or more, it’s worth a conversation.
What you can do before you come see us
These can help temporarily. Lasting change comes when we find the root and remove the emotional charge.
- Name the feeling under the anger. Ask yourself: am I hurt, scared, embarrassed or unheard? Naming it takes some of the heat out.
- Notice your body first. Jaw, shoulders, stomach and breathing change before you explode. Catching that moment gives you a choice.
- Change the words you say to yourself. Replace “they always do this” with “what else could be going on here?”
Frequently asked questions
Do you offer anger management in Windsor?
Yes. Body & Mind Natural Health is at 2303 Central Ave. in Windsor, with free on-site parking, and we also see clients online. We work with adults, couples and, depending on the situation, children and teens together with their parents.
How many sessions does anger management take?
If your sessions are court-ordered, the court often sets the number of sessions. If they are not, the number varies depending on your situation. Many people notice a difference within the first few sessions because we work on the root rather than on coping. We can work out what you need with a FREE evaluation, in person or by phone.
Do I have to talk about everything that happened in my past?
No. Saruna’s Rapid Emotional Release and Empowerment is designed to release the emotional charge without having to relive every detail.
My lawyer or the court says I need anger management. Can you help?
Yes. We have worked with many court-ordered and lawyer-referred clients over the years. It is common to feel at first like you are just going through the motions. Our work goes beyond the current situation to create real change, and when required we provide letters for the court or your lawyer.
Can my partner come with me?
Yes. When anger is affecting a relationship, working together is often the fastest way forward. See our couples counselling page.
How do I get started?
Book a free evaluation of 30 minutes or more. We take the time to listen to your situation and explain how we can help. Call 519-948-0078 or visit our anger management page.
Body & Mind Natural Health · 2303 Central Ave., Windsor, Ont. · Serving Windsor and all of Essex County · In office or online · 519-948-0078
