Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail
Windsor, Ontario, 2017: It is the same for most people and it is repeated year after year. Every New Year 90% of all people set some sort of New Year’s resolutions. Yet, 92% of those resolutions will fail and here is why. Shooting for the moon can become so overwhelming and stressful that success seems too far away. In these cases any progress short of your goal is looked at as failure. Therapist Rick Saruna of Body and Mind in Windsor, Ontario calls this, “The Mind Trap.” Abandoning a goal or a resolution that is a struggle releases a person from the feeling of failure since they are not actively trying. It is a way of justifying a negative behavior with a behavior that subconsciously is perceived as less negative. Subconscious expert Rick Saruna says, “The thought is if you are not trying you are not failing.” The most common New Year’s resolutions or goals people set are for weight loss and to quit smoking. These two goals are set by many each and every New Year. Yet by the end of January these goals are abandoned and old behaviors are resumed. However, they can still be achieved if done properly. In order for goals to be achieved they need to be more specific, realistic and attainable. This is true especially of someone that has been trying repeatedly for the same goals without success. A determined and motivated person can go for their goal and attain it. Determination is decided by motivation. Motivation is determined by belief. Belief if determined by previous success. So if a person has experienced failure in the past the chance of success in the future will drop significantly. The key is to set smaller and more obtainable goals because success will breed success. The important thing is to see each step as an achievement to motivate to the next step. Clinical therapist Rick Saruna who specializes in weight loss and quit smoking says, “When someone has a goal that is important to them and they are struggling, then they should seek a specialist to help them. This will keep motivation high, goals broken down in to steps and it will be done in a supportive environment. Then, you will reach your goals.” Rick Saruna is Clinical Director of Body & Mind, a Counselling and Therapy Centre in Windsor, Ontario. They specialize in helping people quit smoking, lose weight, remove anxiety and achieve their goals. They can be contacted at 519-948-0078 and at www.StressFree.net
Divorce: How It Affects The Children
In the previous article, we discussed about the 10 Reasons Why You Need to Work on Your Marriage. One of the major reasons mentioned on the article is the Negative Impact of Divorce on Children. This article concentrates more on the negative effects that divorce can cause to children including the cost of child support and ongoing legal bills. While divorce can leave married couples emotionally devastated and distrusting, the effects are more severe on the child/children. Most couples view divorce as dissolution of marriage. But for children, marriage is dissolution of family. Below are some of the common effects of divorce on children. Though some of the effects are short-term, without parental care, guidance or counselling from an experienced family counsellor, these effects will result of long-term effects that could aggravate the negativity of a child as he/she grows up. Fear and Guilt First direct effect of divorce on children happens even before divorce is filed by either one or both of the couples. Many children experience fear knowing that their family will be broken. After fear, guilt sets in. Some children blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Children initially feel bad about themselves when they learn that their parents are constantly fighting. Though some parents don’t directly blame their children for their fights, the children assume that it’s all about them. As a result, children will feel responsible for what happens to their parents’ marriage. Anger and Hate Initially, a child will feel angry at the parent who initiated the divorce regardless of the reason. A child will then show sympathy to the other parent. But as the child grows up and learns about the reasons for the divorce, especially when both parents are at fault, anger may persist and lead to long-term hate against his/her parents. Bullying Children of divorce oftentimes become victims of bullying. Many children from non-divorced parents make fun of children who come from broken families or divorced parents. Since many children of divorce lose self-esteem, they become victims of intimidation, alienation, dominance, and harassment from other children. In other cases, children of divorce become the bullies themselves. It can be associated with the fact that children of divorce experience anger and guilt towards their parents’ separation that they find bullying as a way to vent out frustrations and stress. Poor Brain Development Many children of divorce experience stress early in life upon the divorce of their parents. They exhibit the feeling of neglect, emotional trauma over their parents’ separation, and depression. These factors negatively affect the development of the brain in social, emotional, and academic aspects. In a study conducted by The University of Wisconsin-Madison, researchers found out that: “…chronic toxic stress experienced early in life have lasting negative impacts on a child.” Sexual Promiscuity Various American studies have noted that children, majority are girls, from divorced parents are more likely to engage in early sexual behavior that those from non-divorced parents. A groundbreaking research of E. Mavis Hetherington published in her book Effects of Father Absence on Personality Development in Adolescent Daughters suggested that: “Daughters of divorced parents sought more attention from men and engage in sexual intercourse at younger ages compared to other girls.” Another study conducted by Billingham, R. E., Sauer, A. K. & Pillion, L. A. in 1989, Family structure in childhood and sexual attitudes and behaviors during late adolescence. showed that: “People, whose parents were divorced, were more sexually active, had a greater number of sexual partners, had trouble in establishing long-term relationships and had shorter and more numerous love affairs than those who had married parents.” (F. H. JoÂnsson et al.) Sexual Abuse Divorce contributes much to the number of child sexual abuse in Canada and the United States. Children, mostly girls, whose parents are divorced are in greater risk of sexual abuse by men, not their father, living in their home. Based in the previous effect, the need for male-attention of daughters of divorced parents makes them vulnerable to sexual abuse by their stepfathers. A random survey conducted by Diana Russell in 1984 showed that: “Girls living in non-traditional families have been found to be sexually abused by their ‘stepfathers,’ either the married, cohabiting or casual partner of a divorced or single mother, at six to seven times the rate girls are sexually abused by their natural fathers in intact families.” She surveyed 930 adult women in San Francisco and found out that: “7% or one of approximately every six women who had a stepfather as a principal figure in her childhood years, was sexually abused by him. The comparable figures for biological fathers were 2% or one out of approximately 40 women.” Smoke, Alcohol, and Drug Abuse The emotional trauma brought about by losing the family structure because of divorce can take a great toll on the children. Without parental guidance, children resort to what they see fit as a solution or escape from depression. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse or NIDA: “Risk of drug abuse increases greatly during times of transition, such as changing schools, moving, or divorce.” The overwhelming pressure of stress associated with the change motivates children of divorce to engage in substance abuse. Discontent in Life One of the major triggers of divorce is the dissatisfaction by one or both of the married couples in various aspects of their marriage: sexual, emotional, financial, social, etc. The children, however, experience far worse dissatisfaction than the parents who got divorced. The short-term effects, like fear and guilt, that children first experience when their parents divorce became long-term effects and lingered even as they grow up and have families of their own. In a divorce study conducted by Wallerstein in 1985, children of divorced parents were interviewed to determine how they felt when the marriage of their parents was dissolved.After 5 years, Wallerstein made a follow up and found the following results: Persistence of anger at the parent who had initiated the divorce. Intensity of longing for the absent or